Ramble.

This post will make no sense to anyone who reads it. But I need validation.

I have started treating people like crap. I don't mean to but you know how it is when you're mad at someone and you STAY mad at them then the next thing you know, you get angrier more often and easier and at nothing. THEN the next thing you know, not only is everyone pissing you off, but for really random reasons and you have a bone to pick with everyone. Everyone is, therfore, stupid.

I'm tired all the time and I don't ever stop. I get up in the middle of the night half the time to take care of Lily and change her diaper. Then I get up in the morning (husband leaves for work around 5:30) and pump milk, change diaper, feed babygirl, get her bottles and bag ready, get the pump ready to go to work, get my bag ready (making sure the bills are in there to pay at work), make sure the dog is taken out and fed and watered THEN I get myself ready for work and warm up the car, pack the car then change one more diaper before placing Lily in the car and off we go to work and daycare.
This, of course, depends on A. If Lily eats well B. If she doesn't spit up or poo C. If I can find my keys/shoes/jeans/socks/boots or D. If I can find her diaper bag/toy/pacifier/sock.

THEN I go to work.
I work and pump milk every three hours. THEN I run the milk to daycare twice during the day.
After work I run to daycare and pick up Lily. Usually I have to either stay at daycare for a half-hour to either feed her or change her dirty diaper or both because for some reason at the end of the day the teacher who is in there neglects to get her fed and keep her dry. Grrrr.

THEEEEEN, we drive home.
The drive home is usually fine, despite that most drivers are mean and stupid.
Normally, if Lily is fed and dry and has a toy...she's fine. However, there are days that she just does not want to be back there alone and we have to pull off the highway and into a business parking lot. I crawl into the backseat with her, take her out of the carseat and cradle her and sing. I've done this several times.
These days I don't get home til six or six-thirty. I get off at five.

SO THEEEENNNNN we get home.
I don't cook so although there is no question about dinner being ready, there is a large question about quality of food and nutritional value. Sigh.
Before I can eat, I usually feed Baby. On the days that daycare feeds her earlier...say, 4:00, By the time we get home, she's ready again. So, I feed her. And change her. And normally at this point in the day, Lily wants Mama and I get to hold her lots. Hard to eat like that.

By the time the clock reads 7:30 or so it's time to make sure bottles are clean, laundry is clean, house is somewhat picked up, dishes are somewhat washed, and believe it or not, husband relatively satisfied and happy...THEN IT'S NINE. And time for my shower and Lily's bath.

After bath, it's feeding time again and then it's bedtime for our girl.
She goes down very easy. She sleeps most of the night. Some nights all night long. Believe me. I'm thankful.

However...as proud as I am to be Lily's mom...I'm having trouble.
In all that, I have no time for anything else.
I have only ONE child and no time for anything else.
Now, granted I have a husband and he knows how to hold her, feed her, change her and play with her.
But I cannot express the amount of guilt I am dealing with right now. I don't know how to control it or handle it.
Today was the first day in WEEKS that I didn't have to drive up to daycare with milk for her. Why? Because I actually got ahead of her!
However, I felt/feel guilty because I didn't get to go up there to spend time with her. And tonight Billy and I have tickets to a show and we're leaving her with my mom. I feel like I should be home with her tonight since I didn't get to see her today.

On top of this mess of spaghetti, I cannot separate myself from my motherly job. Not for my day job for my wifely job for my friendly job nor for my humanly job. Right now it's all mom all day and all night.

Whew.
That was a long one and I do feel better having seen how I feel.
Maybe I shouldn't feel guilty for writing this...but I do.