Heart.

OOOOOOH BARRACOOOUDA!
Ok, not the "Heart" I'm talking about.

As delicate as the muscle is, it proverbally endures much.
I'm full of love right now for Shelli, who is my sister and holds me often - even if I can't see her. She took me dancing on Saturday night. She kicked some dance floor ass (CLEAR THE FLOOR WE'RE GOIN TO WAR) and danced goofy with me, made fun of retards who wear ceramic lingerie out to a club. She also nodded, empathized, sympathized and once more held me when I could not bring myself to join my friends in a group. I sat alone. Heartache.
The dance floor is the only place I feel like me. (Even if "dance floor" is "the garage") The only place I feel confident about myself. I won't speculate why that is. I'm a goofy, goofy dancer.
"You can talk about cha-cha...tango, waltz or dee rumba...Senora's dance has no title, you jump in dee saddle, hold onto dee bridle..."

I worry about how to serve others when I can't open my life to them. I open often, just to close off again. I don't want face-to-face meetings...talk to me online. I'll share everything.

I danced my butt off on Saturday. I felt so guilty all day Sunday for leaving my baby and THEN I let my husband (ha..."let him") take Lily to his Granny's for awhile that evening. So, guilty for going out then guilty for letting her leave without Mama. Arg.

NOW, my heart is aching because God is working on me. Actually, He is ALWAYS working on me, but there are many times I don't want to be worked on. Therefore I don't pay attention to the prompts He uses to move me.
Right now, I'm working on my own attitude about so much: work, family, being a mom, being a wife, being a friend, what I can and cannot do from day-to-day, being a daughter-in-law (this is the big one).

Of course, I don't believe God is working on ALL of the above mentioned...I firmly believe that He will not give me what I cannot handle. I'm trying to find one "Thank You God" in everything.

Right now...I'm thankful a person who has gone before me in life, experienced something heartbreaking, disappointing and painful (and continues to do so) yet uses these trials to encourage others and give them hope. She knows who she is and I really appreciate her. Don't worry, I won't send you another danged mushy thank you card!!

For happy news, check out the Lily Blog later today.
Kimmer

(I just re-read my blog. I'm turning Goth! I can feel my insides becoming all black!!! haha)

JUNIOR? mints?

Sure they're small, but when you eat an entire movie theatre-sized box of them? They seem more like Senior Mints.

Something in my psyche told me today, "Of course it's okay to buy a box of Junior Mints. Why wouldn't it be?"
And then there were other people in the candy aisle buying themselves little treats, so I did too!

Twenty minutes of driving around looking at garage sales in Edmond, Oklahoma and downing that box. All the while I knew it would make me gassy!
I'm sooooo stupid.

Number one...if you're DIETING and such, eating candy...especially an entire BOX of it...yeah, not good.
And two: I'm hypoglycemic. I'm not supposed to have sugar in any quantity, much less tons of it.

I know I'm being hard on myself, but I'm cranky. I'm doing ok, but the drama has not subsided...money still has not started growing on trees, falling from the sky or coming out of my dogs rear and I'm not crafty.
I was going to make lily a costume for halloween. Once in the craft section at the store I realized that I literally didn't know what the hell to do with the material!!

I'm scared of being close with people.
I almost went out dancing last night...one of my favorite things ever, and I was wiped out before eight. EIGHT O'CLOCK. I mean, couldn't keep my eyes open.
I want to go out tomorrow night but I am sure the same affect will apply to me then.
Wait...affect? Effect? I never know. I isn't no Ainglish Majer.

However, light at the end, despite the drama, my brother and sister in law are coming down this weekend. I'm very excited to see them...they're terribly cool and extremely fun...plus, Lily never gets to see them. Hoping this weekend will end up being a good one.

OH and I get to go look at crafts built by crafty ladies at the Oklahoma
State fairgrounds. Yep. Only going for the company and the Indian Tacos. WOOO!

Love,
Retard

Mama tired.

One night, Lily will sleep with awesomeness. Then the next night, not so much with the awesomeness.
Last night, she was up every two hours or so. And hungry. Growth spurt?

I'm very tired today...both emotionally and physically. I was kind of this way yesterday...therefore little work got done. Actually, lots got done, just very, very slowly.

I really, REALLY don't feel like working today. I want to play until I go home and watch "Pushing Daisies"...which, for your information A. is the coolest show on TV right now and B. was a job for my husband's friend Carl. Who was the grip for the first two or three episodes. I'm so jealous. I HATE CARL...if I just didn't love him.

Know what I hate? Drama. The stupid kind. Oh wait...it's ALL stupid.

Blah. Stupid day. Stupid everything.