Heart.

OOOOOOH BARRACOOOUDA!
Ok, not the "Heart" I'm talking about.

As delicate as the muscle is, it proverbally endures much.
I'm full of love right now for Shelli, who is my sister and holds me often - even if I can't see her. She took me dancing on Saturday night. She kicked some dance floor ass (CLEAR THE FLOOR WE'RE GOIN TO WAR) and danced goofy with me, made fun of retards who wear ceramic lingerie out to a club. She also nodded, empathized, sympathized and once more held me when I could not bring myself to join my friends in a group. I sat alone. Heartache.
The dance floor is the only place I feel like me. (Even if "dance floor" is "the garage") The only place I feel confident about myself. I won't speculate why that is. I'm a goofy, goofy dancer.
"You can talk about cha-cha...tango, waltz or dee rumba...Senora's dance has no title, you jump in dee saddle, hold onto dee bridle..."

I worry about how to serve others when I can't open my life to them. I open often, just to close off again. I don't want face-to-face meetings...talk to me online. I'll share everything.

I danced my butt off on Saturday. I felt so guilty all day Sunday for leaving my baby and THEN I let my husband (ha..."let him") take Lily to his Granny's for awhile that evening. So, guilty for going out then guilty for letting her leave without Mama. Arg.

NOW, my heart is aching because God is working on me. Actually, He is ALWAYS working on me, but there are many times I don't want to be worked on. Therefore I don't pay attention to the prompts He uses to move me.
Right now, I'm working on my own attitude about so much: work, family, being a mom, being a wife, being a friend, what I can and cannot do from day-to-day, being a daughter-in-law (this is the big one).

Of course, I don't believe God is working on ALL of the above mentioned...I firmly believe that He will not give me what I cannot handle. I'm trying to find one "Thank You God" in everything.

Right now...I'm thankful a person who has gone before me in life, experienced something heartbreaking, disappointing and painful (and continues to do so) yet uses these trials to encourage others and give them hope. She knows who she is and I really appreciate her. Don't worry, I won't send you another danged mushy thank you card!!

For happy news, check out the Lily Blog later today.
Kimmer

(I just re-read my blog. I'm turning Goth! I can feel my insides becoming all black!!! haha)